Ask Edward
by Ninja Rosette
Summary: read the title.
1. Chapter 1

**Ask the FullMetal Cast!**

I have an issue with what others think of me. I can't help it. I have long, red hair and green (somewhat feminine) eyes, so everyone mistakes me for a girl. Except for girls. They mistake me for a guy. What do I do?

Anonymous

**Dear Anonymous,**

**Ok, then. Tell me, what _are_ you actually, because I can't tell either. And apparently, because _both_ genders confuse you for the opposite, you're a bit confused yourself. So ask yourself: which gender are you (more) attracted to? **

**Edward Elric**

**I hate to sound clichéd, but I suggest either cosmetic surgery or therapy, because not even alchemy can help you now.**

**Lieutenant Colonel Roy Mustang **

Dear Ed,

I'm short, and I don't like it. What do I do? Never mind, I'm sure that if you knew what to do, you've done it by now…

I am a Demon not a Midget

**Dear Midget,**

**WHAT THE #$$ ARE YOU SAYING YOU LITTLE!#$ ?**

**YOU HAVE AN ISSUE OR WHAT, YOU PUNK? I SHOULD$&WALK MY #$# #$ OVER THERE THE WHOLE#$$ 200 $MILES AND KICK YOU #$$IN THE #!**

**Edward Elric**

**Even though this question was not addressed to me, I'll answer it anyway. Drink milk and lots of it.**

**Lieutenant Colonel Roy Mustang **

I'd like to have a setup like you do. I want people to ask me questions! Can you teach me?

Jealous of You

**Dear Jealous,**

**Darn right you're jealous! Do I look stupid! No way!**

**Better Than You **

**Actually, I know how to, unlike Edward, but I also refuse to help you for fear of disappointment that you cannot be better than Edward. Also, this particular fact is sad. **

**Mustang**

Help me! I'm surrounded by gay blonde guys in jump-suites! What do I do to get rid f them!

Trunks

**Dear Trunks,**

**What kind of a name is Trunks! I mean, seriously. Who named you!**

**Ed **

**Well, that makes two of us.**

**Lieutenant Colonel Mustang**

I have a stalker problem and I don't know what to do about it. I swear, this stupid toad-like-thing won't quit bothering me! Can you help me?

Sesshomaru

**Dear Sesshomaru,**

**Ok, apparently this 'stalker' is a toad, and therefore, I have a solution for you! Kill it. Like my friend used to do, he would pick them up and hurl them at the ground as hard as possible, and they would die. I prefer to transmute them into frogs.**

**Edward**

**I have that same problem, except I'm stalked by fangirls. It's really not that bad though…**

**Roy Mustang**

I broke the sacred Shikon-no-Tamah, and I feel really guilty about it. What can I do to ease that feeling?

Kagome Higurashi

**Dear Kagome**

**Well, did you get in trouble for it? Apparently not, because you obviously still have internet access. ** **So why care? It's not your problem anymore. Get over it. Please. **

**Edward**

**You can start by giving me your phone number. Here's mine: 397-507-483 call me sometime. **

**Roy Mustang**

I was pinned to a tree for fifty years. Is there some way to use alchemy to get my old life back?

Inu-Yasha

**Dear Inu-Yasha,**

**No.**

**Ed**

**No. **

**Roy Mustang**

I'm obsessed with Mustang. I'm sorry, but you have to know. I have pictures of your face on my walls. I love you. Nothing would please me more than or you to transmute something and send it to me. Seriously. Look me up in the phonebook and call me. Please. I'm desperate, my boyfriend dumped me five minutes ago. I'll accept anything. A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G. really. Because that would be so cool!

Mustang's loving (boy) girlfriend Billy

**Dear-**

**Wow. Mustang has a stalker. Way to go Mustang.**

**Shove it, FullMetal. Ok, sure, I'll transmute a restraining order for you.**

I was hoping that Edward could help me get taller, because I'm in the eighth grade and I'm only, like, four foot. Can you help me Ed?

Morty Oyamada

**Dear Short Person**

**Nope. I finally found someone both shorter and older than me!** **This is the happiest day of my life, and your not gonna ruin it for me, midget!**

**Edward Elric**

**Wow. Someone shorter than Ed. I feel bad for you, drink milk I guess.**

**Mustang**

I have the biggest crush on a fellow ninja, but he doesn't even notice I exist! How can I get him to notice me?

Sakura

**Dear Sakura'**

**That's easy: embarrass yourself.**

**Ed**

**Don't listen to Edward, just threaten to blow him up. Or get him drunk. Guys notice everything when they're drunk, trust me.**

**Lieutenant Colonel Roy Mustang **

I love Edward. Ed, will you go out with me?

Some random fangirl.

**Haha, colonel! At least mine's a girl! Hahahahaha!**

**Shove it, FullMetal. Here's his number. call him. 397-507-483**

**Mustang**

_So…you like it? Anyone got a question for Edward (or Mustang)? If so, REVIEW and get a MUFFIN mmmmmmmmmmmmm muffins _


	2. Chapter 2

**Ask Edward and/or Mustang**

My question is people say you're gay is that true? (no offense)

(to your other boyfriends I mean)

-inukag123

**Edward Says;**

**Hahahahahahahahaha! That is AWESOME! Yes offence yes offence yes offence!**

**Mustang says;**

**That doesn't even dignify a response.**

Hey, sup? I'm a HUGE fan of yours. I have posters, mangas, action figures, pictures, trading cards, DVDs, websites, (yes, I own my own website, but its not done yet so im not giving out the address) and a whole bunch of other stuffs. I LOVE you, Ed, your so sexy…will you be my bf (boyfriend)?

Not a shorty

**Edward Says;**

**Nothin' much. That's nice. That's nice. Good for you. I know I am. No.**

**Mustang Says; **

**I am not gay, is there no love for a sexy military dog? **

Edward, I am your #1 fan but I have one question for you…STRAIGHTEN UP AND FESS UP TO YOUR LOVE FOR WINRY ALREADY GOSH! I am also on your side, Mustang is a pain in the a

**Edward Says;**

**That's nice. I have no love for Winry, she's my-uh oh…can I tell them? Oh well… what we didn't tell you in the show is that…that my mother was a whore, and she and Winry's dad…so Winry is my sister…and I don't live in Alabama. And yes, Mustang is evil.**

**Mustang Says;**

**Shut up, dumb Edward fan. I guess im just too old to be loved now aren't i?**

**Alphonse says;**

**EDWARD YOU TAKE THAT BACK!**

I love you both, who do I choose!

Roy, you're hawt and a better fighter but your older than me and Riza will shoot me if I go out with you. Ed, your hawt and short like me but taller, only by like 2 inches tho! Hahahaha! But your also older than me…by like 3 years cause your fifteen…I feel sad now –cries-

Mookie and Moofie

**Edward Says;**

**Ya, I'll give you two inches! **

**Mustang Says;**

**Fullmetal, that is disgusting. And two inches is small. Pick me and I'll give you ten inches. ;)**

I'm back again, and I need help. There's An idiot who's really pissing me off with everything he doe. Can I kill him?

Hiei- formerly, I am a Demon not a Midget

p.s. Midget

**Edward Says;**

**NOT YOU AGAIN YOU LITTLE $$ & MIDGET! #$ DEMON MY $#$&$ SUCK MY #$$ 5 YOU LITTLE #$#$ DIE! DIE ! GO THE #$# AWAY AND #$& DIE! YOU $& LITTLE $#& &$ YOU IN THE $ THAT'S WHAT I'LL $& DO TO YOU WHEN $$ SEE YOU $$ MIDGET!**

**Mustang Says;**

**Calm down fullmetal. As for your idiot…yes, feel free to kill him. Do the world a favor and kill him now. please.**

I recently found this really weird site where people make up stories about us. At first I thought it was really cool, cause I was always paired with people like Winry and Hawkeye, but then there was this freaky stuff called Yaoi, so I decided to look around some more. I had not gone one page when Lo and behold , ED-ROY FANFICS GALORE! This got me thinking about that time at the Christmas party, and that time when you "accidentally" locked yourself in the closet with the colonel..so I was wondering, are you two really a couple?

Havoc

**Edward says: **

**That was an accident, I swear to your god! I hate the colonel with a passion, all of my true fans know that and you should too!**

**Mustang says:**

**Lieutenant Havoc, you're fired.**

Mustang, when are u and Hawkeye gonna hook up? U know u want to!

hush puppy

**Edward says: **

**yeah, I've been wondering that too, colonel.**

**Mustang says: **

**That's the last time I trust Ross with my journal. Ever.**

Ed, I have the worst lieutenants, can you tell me how you deal with yours?

Princess Maddy

**Edward says:**

**Well first, I make sure I have a tea kettle on hand, and I then proceed to add a bit of ginger to the boiling water, then I fill up a bathtub about…oh, say halfway, then I proceed to steal the Colonel's gloves and shove them into the boiling water…I then have a nice, flaming cup of ginger tea with a shitload of sugar. Then I wait while they are in the shower and flush the toilets repeatedly. I then turn on all the sinks I can find, any running water available. Then I invite tham to take-out at the Morgue. **

**Mustang says: **

**Fullmetal, that sounds sick and wrong on more levels that I can count with a third grade education. Now, HERE'S how you wanna handle you're lieutenants; you want to blow them up, doesn't matter how, it's fun,. And then you want to call this number for maximum torture: 397-507-483**

Dear Ed, can I have you're number? I really like you! Don't try to give me yours, Roy! I know what you did to that other girl, punkass!

Lady Alchemy

**Edward Says: **

**I like you too, and y'know what? You're right. Roy is SUCH a punkass. We should get together over a cuppa coffee. Here's my number, don't be shy. 397-507-483**

**Mustang says: **

**Fullmetal, you're a dumbass.**

dear Ed, can you lend me Alphonse? I really love him!

Janet041

**Edward Says:**

**no, I'm sorry. He may be 'kinky in a can' but no…well…possibly…**

**Mustang says:**

**Here, I'll find a away to get him to you. I'll just need you're phone number, liscence plate, home address, mal box, email, and last name. here, call this number. 397-507-483**

**Alphonse says: **

**I am Kinky in a Can, yes I am, yes I am, I am Kinky in a Can, yes I am, yes I am!**

Ed,

Will you give me a muffin?

Card-carrying Alchemist

**Edward says:**

**Nope, I don't supply you with muffins, sorry. **

**Mustang says:**

**I can give you a muffin…I can give you lots of muffins…but you have to call this number! lots of muffins, just call me! 397-507-483**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3 of Ask Edward (and Co)**

Dear Ed,

MY MOMMY DIED! YOU KILLED MY MOMMY! I KILL YOU NOW OKAY? and Roy, I love you, you smell like the most delicious ham.

Gluttony

**Dear Gluttony,**

**I deny killing anyone. I'm an alchemist not a murderer.**

**Ed**

**That's not ham you smell. It's 'Scent of hot guy'.**

**Roy Mustang**

AL IS SO AWSOME HE SHOULD HAVE HIS OWN SHOW!!Alp-I mean-person

**I DO have my own show. ****Muahahaha**

**Ed**

**Roy should have his own show, too. **

**Ri****- ****er****, Roy Mustang**

Dear Edward and RoyHave ya'll ever did crack cocaine or any other drug before, because sometimes ya'll act like it

P.I.M.P.4ever

**The Colonel has that effect on people.**

**Ed**

**Sexiness isn't a drug.**

**Roy Mustang**

I have 2 questions Dear Roy or Ed, or whoever answers this...Ed, what do you REALLy think about Winry? I mean seriously. And dont you say "She's my mechanic" okay?Signed,Winry's friend

**She's my **_**crazy**_** Mechanic.**

**Ed**

**Just as Hawkeye is my "crazy" Lieutenant.**

**Roy Mustang**

Dear Roy,Have you seen my NEWEST collection of pictures?? Isn't Elysia so cute ! Bye, HughesP.S. Roy, you should MARRY Hawkeye

**Hahahahaha****, Mustang!**

**Ed**

**Shove it, ****Fullmetal**

**Roy**

Dear Fullmetal Pipsqueak,I think I left my purse on your bed last night when Envy and me were shoving all that milk down your throat when you were sleeping. Can you give it back to me when we come tomorrow night to kill you?-LustP.S. - Your face was priceless.

**Wtf**

**Ed**

**Hahahahahahaha**** I bet it WAS priceless, ****heheh****. We do that here, too. **

**Roy Mustang**

Dear Ed and Roy,Wow. Ed, why don't you like Winry? It's obvious she likes you... Muahahahahaha.And Roy, I don't want your number.Elora

**No, I don't like ****Whinry****! She's mean!!**

**Ed**

**Yes you do. ****Both of you.**

**Roy Mustang**

_Glad you guys like the __fanfic__ (assuming you do) __heh__, I took a __loooooooooooooooooong__ break from __nerding__ out, but I'm back, sort of. I'll post more stuffs when I feel like it. :) _


	4. Chapter 4

**Ask the ****Fullmetal**** Cast!! ****Wheee**

sigh...winry and riza should get shot...be cause yoai is so much better...YOAI FOR EVAH! mostly RoyEd yoai though...

EmoNekoNinja

**Dear ****EmoNekoNinja**

**I disagree.**

**Edward ****Elric**

**Me too.**

**Roy Mustang**

Dear Roy and Ed,

1)What's your opinion on RoyEd pairings, both Yaoi and Father/Son sorts.2)

What did you think of the movie? Ed, how did you feel about Noah mindraping you? And Mustang, you were kinda pathetic, and i think the conservation Breda and havoc had as they left after visit you in the snow might have had something to do with the start of RoyEd yaoi

3) Mustang; WHEN THE FING HELL ARE YOU AND HAWKEYE FINALLY GONNA GET TOGETHER, DAMMIT! Oh, and my friend reckons the reason you keep stealing Havoc's girlfriends is because you're gay from and jealous of them. What do you think have that? HAHA! Cackles insanely

4) Ed, have you heard of Elricest and every considered killing the authors?

5) Ed, what's your opinion of Ed/Envy pairings?

6) Ed, now that I think of it, you've been paired with pretty much everyone. And I mean everyone! Although in some cases it was one-sided or non-consensual, like in those stories where you're raped by Envy. What's you're opinion of that

7) Ed, I LOVE YOU! Squee!-Love, IntrovertedAngel

**Dear ****IntrovertedAngel**

**I hate all ****RoyEd**** pairings. They're pure evil.**

**The movie was fun. She does that all the time, it's awesome. **

**AHAHAHAHAHAhahahaha****!! Mustang, she has a point!!!**

**No, I've never heard of that…but since you mention it, I may have to look into this author killing.**

**Ed/Envy pairings are sick and wrong on multiple levels. Let's just not go there.**

**Don't pair me with people, please.**

**Umm…****thanks ?**

**Edward ****Elric**

**Dear ****IntrovertedAngel**

**Actually, the father/son pairings weren't that bad. **

**I didn't get enough screen time in the movie.**

**We're NOT getting together. It's unprofessional.**

**Hahahah****, Ed!**

**Again, simply ****ahahahaha****Fullmetal**** certainly gets around, doesn't he?**

**Roy Mustang**

Mustang: Did you by any chance know that there are several fanbases dedicated ENTIRELY to the promotion of getting you and Hawkeye together? And that people have a NAME when refering to the two of you as a couple (Royai), that there is a DAY dedicated to celebrating the two of you (June 11th) , and ONE HUNDRED THEMES on you two?Seriously, WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GET TOGETHER?! GENERAL GRUMMAN PRACTICALLY GAVE YOU HAWKEYE'S HAND IN MARRIAGE. SO ACCEPT IT FOR GOD'S SAKE (and I don't care about the fact that you don't believe in God).

Edward: DRINK YOUR DAMN MILK. OR YOU'RE GOING TO STAY SHORT FOREVER. And, it's pretty obvious that you and Winry like each other...SO FESS UP ALREADY. byakuxhisa4eva

**Dear byakuxhisa4eva,**

**Whinry**** is ****insane,**** I don't know what you're talking about.**

**Edward ****Elric**

**I don't know why I even bother answering these questions anymore.**

**Roy Mustang**

dear ed,have you tried drinking coffee with cream AND milk?

p.s. roy there are thousands of fan girls raiding your home.

Demi sayain

**Dear ****Demi****sayain**

**Milk would only make the coffee gross.**

**Edward ****Elric**

**I KNEW IT!!!**

**Roy Mustang**

omg hi ed!! i got a laptop, you must feel so jealous...dont deny it! and we all know u LOVE winry. Either that or you really are gay...and if you are, well then i will just have to kill you . But winry said she loved you already in the manga so...say it back! oh wait, you die in the manga..nevermind, your dead already, and so is al! Oh, i hope i didnt spoil anything

**It's**** comments like these that make me wish I read the ****manga****…**

**NinjaRosette**


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